Before I start my chronicle of my time in Poland, let's have a good Polish joke:
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
I am smelling too many flowers
I crossed the Polish border realizing that I have been traveling for two months. So I was at the halfway point of my four month journey.
Then came the bad news: I am planning on seeing 20 countries and so far I have only seen 6.
See the problem?
This will trip will take more than 4 months.
So I will readjust my calendar on my web site this week.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Poland in brief
Although Poland is one of the biggest countries in Europe, it's only about half the size of Texas. This explains why George Bush doesn't listen to what the Polish (or any of the Europeans) have to say.
Poland was founded in AD 966 when Mieszko I, Duke of the Polanians, adopted Christianity to get official recognition from Rome. They have been ardent Catholics ever since. There's a church on every corner!
It had its glory days for a while until the 17th century. At that point Sweden and Russia marched back and forth across the territory. Seven of its 11 kings were foreigners during a 200 year period. See, Iraq doesn't have it so bad....
In the late 18th century, Russia, Prussia, and Austria greedily conspired to carve up Poland. They systematically removed Poland from the map of Europe.
Then came the Nazis
Germans are efficient. This is great when they're making cars, dishwashers, and beer, but not so good when they're killing Jews.
There were over 3 million Jews in Poland before WW II. The Nazis managed to find and kill almost every single one of them. Today, 50 years after WW II only 7,000 Jews live in Poland.
Warsaw is underrated
I ran into a few Polish people before I got to Poland. They all told me to skip Warsaw.
I was about to do that, but since I had to go through Warsaw anyway to get to Krakow I figured I'd spend a day in Warsaw and confirm that it really does suck.
The good news is that that the Poles are wrong!
Unesco's has a World Heritage List which is made up of all the things on this planet that are cool and worth preserving.
In this trip I've seen many of the sights in each country I'm visiting. The list has never let me down. Neither did Warsaw's Old Town.
Old town
Over 85% of Warsaw was destroyed at the end of WW II. Half of its residents died. That's 700,000 people. No other Eastern European city suffered so much devastation.
The Poles rebuilt the Old Town of Warsaw precisely as it was. They did such a good job that Unesco awarded with its coveted World Heritage prize. But there's much more to see in Warsaw, so don't listen to the Polish, they don't know what they're talking about. Warsaw is great.
Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight.
Famous Polish people
OK, so I'm poking fun. Consider these famous Poles:
- Nicolaus Copernicus: Told us that the Earth revolves around the Sun.
- Frederick Chopin: Wrote a few piano tunes.
- Roman Polanski: Polish director of Chinatown.
- Pope John Paul II: His face is EVERYWHERE in this country.
Speaking about the Polish Pope:
A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"
The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"
The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"
Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"
To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts on backwards!"
The wonders of Krakow
So far Krakow wins my award of the best city on this trip! Put it on your list of must see cities! This spectacular city has the biggest Old Town in Europe and two interesting side trips: the Salt Mines and Auschwitz.
Wieliczka's salt mines
The highlight of the Salt Mines is a church carved from the underground salt. This place left me flabbergasted. One well-traveled Frenchman observed in the 18th century that Krakow's Wieliczka salt mine was no less magnificent than the Egyptian pyramids. But what the hell do the French know anyway?
It's hard to describe. You get to explore a subterranean world of labyrinthine passages, giant caverns, underground lakes and chapels with sculptures in the crystalline salt and rich ornamentation carved in the salt rock. Whimsical dwarves, inspiring religious statues, and haunting figures all carved from salt stare at you in the semi-darkness. It's been worked on for 900 years. Lick the walls for some free salt!
Auschwitz
I told a few Poles that I was going to Auschwitz. I was surprised by their response.
They had a twisted expression on their face and said, "Why do you want to go there? It's really depressing!"
I felt like replying, "Really? Darn, I thought it was going to be like Disneyland."
I know we Americans are stupid, but c'mon, are we really that dumb?
Part of me wondered if Poles wished they could sweep Auschwitz under the carpet and move on. But admission is free, so I went anyway.
Auschwitz was the most horrible concentration camp the Nazis ever made. German efficiency comes out in this ghastly killing machine. A train load of tightly packed Jews (and other victims) pulled right into camp. The Nazis quickly selected the fittest 25% to work to death for 11 hours a day on 1500 calories. Life expectancy was about 4 months.
The weakest 75% (including all the elderly, women, and children) on the train were immediately executed. The efficient Germans had to devise a way to kill them fast enough. So they were led to a chamber, told to undress, and told them they were going to take a shower for disinfection. They even had fake shower fixtures. They locked the doors and pumped in gas to exterminate 2,000 Jews in 20 seconds. Then the entire chamber would lift up like an elevator to the incineration chamber to cremate the bodies. Jewish prisoners would clean out the ashes of their brethren and then the Nazis would bring in the next batch of 2,000 Jews. A chilling invention and a sobering memorial.
What impressed me the most was the sheer size of Auschwitz. The biggest site is Auschwitz II, called Birkenau. It's enormous. A small city. It had to be because it could hold up to 200,000 Jews at a time and was constantly busy. They were in the process of expanding it when the Soviets pushed them out.
Again, don't listen to what the Poles say, visit Auschwitz when you go to Krakow.
Off to Slovakia
After Belarus, Poland was a culture shock. I was so used to being the only American for miles. Now tourists are everywhere. Businesses are service oriented. There is hot water.
I haven't been over 1,000 feet (300 meters) since I started this trip. All 7 countries are pretty flat. Finally that will change.
Now I go to the High Tatra Mountains of Slovakia. I will backpack there and then head to Bratislava, the capital.
As I mentioned, I need to speed things up. So I'll leave you with....
One last Polish joke
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak jumped from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak. The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "Oh, so you wanna race, eh?"
August 7, 2004
