Defending the CIA

Part 2 of 5 of the "What Americans Can Teach Europeans" series

Several Eastern Europeans thought I worked for the CIA. They asked, “Why else would you be in Albania?”

It’s hilarious what Eastern Europeans seriously believe the CIA does:

• A Slovenian told me that the “weird” weather they were experiencing was due to the CIA testing wacky weather-controlling weapons nearby.

• If someone semi-famous died unexpectedly, the CIA killed him.

• The CIA controls all elections. But what if an anti-American candidate wins? It’s because the CIA wanted that to happen so it can use it as an excuse to invade the country, or because it somehow fits in their grand plan of world domination.

• A Bulgarian told me that the Illuminati and the CIA control Obama and all world leaders. The CIA, he assured me, is the puppet-master behind everything, including what you had for breakfast this morning.

Although it’s fun to believe that the CIA controls the universe, let’s stop smoking marijuana for a minute. The CIA is so ignorant that it often can’t find its house keys. The CIA controls so little that it can’t even choose what color to paint its buildings. It’s just another bumbling, inefficient, and bureaucratic government organization whose right hand doesn’t know what its left hand is doing. The CIA morons couldn’t even assassinate Fidel Castro, a leader from a puny island right next to America. How lame is that?

The CIA has its clever moments, but is often ignorant and powerless. Unfortunately, there’s no way to prove this to someone who really wants to believe in conspiracy theories, so I won’t even try.

Part of me would like to keep the myth about the omnipotent CIA alive. As long as other nations believe that the CIA is all-knowing and all-powerful, they’ll fear to attack the US. They’ll say, “Maybe we’re attacking America because that’s exactly what the CIA wants us to do!” They’ll second-guess their actions and be scared to challenge the god-like CIA.

Therefore, if I have not convinced you, good. Keep believing that the CIA is your under your bed, because, of course, it probably is.

In case you missed it, read part 1 of the What Americans Can Teach Europeans article series.

One person said, "Francis, very interesting article. Do you have any thoughts as to why the CIA has such a reputation?"

I'm sure there are several reasons for the CIA's reputation in Eastern Europe. Among them:

• Cold War hangover: Just like the KGB was feared in the US, the CIA played that role in the East, and still does, apparently.
• There's some truth to it: the CIA has put up the Shah in Iran and put up a Guatemalan dictator.
• When people don't understand something or can't explain it, then they often pick mysterious entities (Zeus, God, CIA) to explain something.

In case you missed it, read part 1 of the What Americans Can Teach Europeans article series.

Read Part 3 of 5: Defending the American Smile

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This is an excerpt from the Appendix of The Hidden Europe: What Eastern Europeans Can Teach Us. Although this article is filed under Western Europe, its message is for Eastern Europeans and everyone else on the planet who believes these five American myths. For those who worry that fanatical American patriots have brainwashed me, don't worry. About 99% of my upcoming book is about what Eastern Europeans can teach Americans (hence, the title). I'm simply sharing the 1% of my book that argues the contrary point. Please read the Introduction to The Hidden Europe to get the complete picture.