No, this isn't some politically incorrect email about how stupid Slovakians are. I would never generalize about a people in such a mean and rotten way. Besides, I left all the stupid people behind in Poland.
OK, no more Polish jokes. Promise.
This tale is about MY FIVE stupidities (and my Mr. Magoo Lucky Factor that partly made up for them).
Stupidity #1: not knowing where I am
You know you've been traveling too long when you get off a bus and have to ask someone, "What city am I in?"
I had told the attendant at the bus terminal in Krakow, Poland that I wanted to go as close as possible to the High Tatras in Slovakia. As usual, the person who sells the tickets at this international city didn't speak a foreign language.
I hoped I got my message through by saying "Tatras" and "Slovakia" a few times, but when I got off the bus I really wasn't sure where I was.
Magoo Factor: I turned up in the right place.
Stupidity #2: fumbling the camcorder
You're not supposed to camp in the Tatras, but it's easy to do if you follow these steps:
1) Get way off the trail: I cut across a tough mountain range to enter an enormous zone without any trails.
2) Sleep at sunset: In my case, I was stuck way above the tree line after having scrambled to a craggy peak. The only place to camp was in a small cave on uneven rocks.
3) Wake up at dawn: That's when my troubles started.
I woke up and was surprised by what a sharp grade I climbed. (I spent 20% of my 3 days in the Tatras using my hands to get around. Getting off the trail doesn't help.)
I wanted to film the spectacular view and the tough grade.
"I would hate to slip here and fall down. It's a long way down...." I thought as I reached for my camcorder in my pocket.
Somehow the camcorder took on a life of its own and jumped out of my hands as I stood over the cliff.
In slow motion I said, "Noooooooooo....."
It crashed on the first rock and bounced high and then down to the next rock, and the next, and the next....
I watched it do somersaults, back flips, and a half twists with corner pike all the way down the mountain.
It was quite spectacular. I was so impressed I almost cried. OK, maybe I was crying for other reasons....
Magoo Factor: After tumbling 15 meters/yards, the Sony camcorder did not shatter. Although the video no longer works, the digital camera still works! I couldn't believe it!
Stupidity #3: fumbling the sleeping bag
I was despondently stuffing my sleeping bag and thinking, "OK, I gotta put this in a place that's pretty secure because everything here is at an incline. This looks good over here...."
It stayed there. For about 2 seconds. And then it also took a life of its own. And rolled away. All the way down the hill.
Because of its loft, it bounced MUCH farther than the camcorder.
To give you an idea how far it fell, it took me 20 minutes to retrieve it and come back.
Magoo Factor: Despite the sharp rocks and the incredibly long fall, the stuff sack only got a minor tear.
Stupidity #4: eating glass
With two unnecessary trips down the mountain to retrieve my crap, I was no longer a happy camper. I was putting away my glass jar of peanut butter and it also leaped out of my hands. Fortunately, it didn't roll down the hill, but it did shatter.
Lamenting my precious peanut butter and my woes, I sat down and decided to eat it anyway. After all, I hate seeing good food go to waste.
As I was eating it I thought that maybe this wasn't such a bright idea. After all, there could be shards of glass in the peanut butter.
"Nah...." I thought and carefully worked around the glass as I spread it on my bread.
I was chomping away when suddenly I heard a "CRUNCH!"
That wasn't the sound of a little peanut being broken in my mouth. That was glass.
I spit what I thought was the bad portion and swallowed the rest. Hey, I was hungry.
Magoo Factor: I felt very minor pain (I think it was psychological) for about 5 minutes afterwards. Otherwise, no internal bleeding. The glass tasted good! Just like peanut butter!
Stupidity #5: abandoning the belt clip
That night I was again stuck above the tree line when the sun set. I found two big rocks and set up my tarp just in case it rained. On cue, the moment I got under the tarp the sky lit up and thunder roared.
That was a lonely night on top of another craggy outcropping. The lightning storm just added a bit of drama.
The next day when I changing from pants to shorts, I didn't transfer my cell phone belt clip. I left it behind. Idiot.
Magoo Factor: A few days later I went to a store to buy a new belt clip. The store clerk said he didn't have just a belt clip, but he gave me a complete holster for free. "It's a gift from Slovakia," he said.
High Tatras: best backpacking ever
Despite my misfortunes, I adored the Tatras. I have never experienced such an amazing backpacking in my life. They brought back many memories:
- THE MAJESTY of the Tetons
- THE JAGGED EDGES of the Ansel Adams Wilderness
- THE ALPINE VIEWS of Yosemite
- THE HUTS of the White Mountains of New Hampshire
- THE DIABOLICAL TRAILS of Maine
The trails were insane. They've managed to blur the line between backpacking and rock climbing.
Many trails required you to use a long metal chain to go up or down the mountain. Lose your grip and you're history.
Bring gloves if you hike here. The cold metal numbs your hands. Which is the last thing you need to have happen when your life depends on your grip. At least once person dies in the Tatras every week.
I was dangling off one of those chains late in the freezing evening when nobody was around (after 6PM everyone is in the huts). I thought, "If my mom knew how close I am to dying she would kill me."
Abundance of TP
In Belarus I wished for more toilet paper, but in Slovakia I wish there were less... on the trail. This is the only stupidity I found Slovakians doing.
I asked a Slovakian why is there so much toilet paper on the trails. She blamed the "tourists."
"OK, this is a national park lady, we're all tourists," I told her, "So can you be more specific? Why don't they pack it out?"
She blamed the tourists from the neighboring countries. She added, 90% of the people here are from Czech Republic, not Slovakia.
An 18 year old man said the Slovakians are also to blame. Having visited their small local parks and seeing TP everywhere, this guy may be right: this is also a Slovakian tradition.
The stupidest thing I saw was this outhouse near the summit of a mountain. It did not contain the waste, but just let it all fall down the steep mountain gully. With a little rain all the toilet paper and shit just roll down the mountain into the pristine water below. Brilliant.
Pity, because it is a perfect place otherwise. They call it the biggest little mountains in Europe. They're only 7,500 feet high (about 2500 meters), but they look and feel much higher. I just wish the territory were a bit bigger. You can see almost everything with three days of vigorous backpacking.
Pit stop in Trencin, Slovakia
I took a day trip to a cute little town on the way to Brastislava that has a castle a hill.
It was a cute town on my way to....
Bratislava
Another well-preserved old town in Eastern Europe. I'm surprised I'm not sick of them yet.
Although Bratislava was wonderful, the highlight of Slovakia was the High Tatras. See them when you go to Krakow, Poland. It's about 2-3 hours away. But don't go to the Polish side of the Tatras. Most believe the Slovakian side is the best.
August 17, 2004
