No, this isn't some politically incorrect email about how stupid Slovakians are. I would never generalize about a people in such a mean and rotten way. Besides, I left all the stupid people behind in Poland.

OK, no more Polish jokes. Promise.

This tale is about MY FIVE stupidities (and my Mr. Magoo Lucky Factor that partly made up for them).

Stupidity #1: not knowing where I am

You know you've been traveling too long when you get off a bus and have to ask someone, "What city am I in?"

I had told the attendant at the bus terminal in Krakow, Poland that I wanted to go as close as possible to the High Tatras in Slovakia. As usual, the person who sells the tickets at this international city didn't speak a foreign language.

I hoped I got my message through by saying "Tatras" and "Slovakia" a few times, but when I got off the bus I really wasn't sure where I was.

Magoo Factor: I turned up in the right place.

Stupidity #2: fumbling the camcorder

You're not supposed to camp in the Tatras, but it's easy to do if you follow these steps:

1) Get way off the trail: I cut across a tough mountain range to enter an enormous zone without any trails.

2) Sleep at sunset: In my case, I was stuck way above the tree line after having scrambled to a craggy peak. The only place to camp was in a small cave on uneven rocks.

3) Wake up at dawn: That's when my troubles started.

I woke up and was surprised by what a sharp grade I climbed. (I spent 20% of my 3 days in the Tatras using my hands to get around. Getting off the trail doesn't help.)

I wanted to film the spectacular view and the tough grade.

"I would hate to slip here and fall down. It's a long way down...." I thought as I reached for my camcorder in my pocket.

Somehow the camcorder took on a life of its own and jumped out of my hands as I stood over the cliff.

In slow motion I said, "Noooooooooo....."

But it wouldn't listen.

It crashed on the first rock and bounced high and then down to the next rock, and the next, and the next....

I watched it do somersaults, back flips, and a half twists with corner pike all the way down the mountain.

It was quite spectacular. I was so impressed I almost cried. OK, maybe I was crying for other reasons....

Magoo Factor: After tumbling 15 meters/yards, the Sony camcorder did not shatter. Although the video no longer works, the digital camera still works! I couldn't believe it!

Stupidity #3: fumbling the sleeping bag

I was despondently stuffing my sleeping bag and thinking, "OK, I gotta put this in a place that's pretty secure because everything here is at an incline. This looks good over here...."

It stayed there. For about 2 seconds. And then it also took a life of its own. And rolled away. All the way down the hill.

Because of its loft, it bounced MUCH farther than the camcorder.

To give you an idea how far it fell, it took me 20 minutes to retrieve it and come back.

Magoo Factor: Despite the sharp rocks and the incredibly long fall, the stuff sack only got a minor tear.

Stupidity #4: eating glass

With two unnecessary trips down the mountain to retrieve my crap, I was no longer a happy camper. I was putting away my glass jar of peanut butter and it also leaped out of my hands. Fortunately, it didn't roll down the hill, but it did shatter.

Lamenting my precious peanut butter and my woes, I sat down and decided to eat it anyway. After all, I hate seeing good food go to waste.

As I was eating it I thought that maybe this wasn't such a bright idea. After all, there could be shards of glass in the peanut butter.

"Nah...." I thought and carefully worked around the glass as I spread it on my bread.

I was chomping away when suddenly I heard a "CRUNCH!"

That wasn't the sound of a little peanut being broken in my mouth. That was glass.

I spit what I thought was the bad portion and swallowed the rest. Hey, I was hungry.

Magoo Factor: I felt very minor pain (I think it was psychological) for about 5 minutes afterwards. Otherwise, no internal bleeding. The glass tasted good! Just like peanut butter!

Stupidity #5: abandoning the belt clip

That night I was again stuck above the tree line when the sun set. I found two big rocks and set up my tarp just in case it rained. On cue, the moment I got under the tarp the sky lit up and thunder roared.

That was a lonely night on top of another craggy outcropping. The lightning storm just added a bit of drama.

The next day when I changing from pants to shorts, I didn't transfer my cell phone belt clip. I left it behind. Idiot.

Magoo Factor: A few days later I went to a store to buy a new belt clip. The store clerk said he didn't have just a belt clip, but he gave me a complete holster for free. "It's a gift from Slovakia," he said.

High Tatras: best backpacking ever

Despite my misfortunes, I adored the Tatras. I have never experienced such an amazing backpacking in my life. They brought back many memories:

• THE MAJESTY of the Tetons
• THE JAGGED EDGES of the Ansel Adams Wilderness
• THE ALPINE VIEWS of Yosemite
• THE HUTS of the White Mountains of New Hampshire
• THE DIABOLICAL TRAILS of Maine

The trails were insane. They've managed to blur the line between backpacking and rock climbing.

Many trails required you to use a long metal chain to go up or down the mountain. Lose your grip and you're history.

Bring gloves if you hike here. The cold metal numbs your hands. Which is the last thing you need to have happen when your life depends on your grip. At least once person dies in the Tatras every week.

I was dangling off one of those chains late in the freezing evening when nobody was around (after 6PM everyone is in the huts). I thought, "If my mom knew how close I am to dying she would kill me."

Abundance of TP

In Belarus I wished for more toilet paper, but in Slovakia I wish there were less... on the trail. This is the only stupidity I found Slovakians doing.

I asked a Slovakian why is there so much toilet paper on the trails. She blamed the "tourists."

"OK, this is a national park lady, we're all tourists," I told her, "So can you be more specific? Why don't they pack it out?"

She blamed the tourists from the neighboring countries. She added, 90% of the people here are from Czech Republic, not Slovakia.

An 18 year old man said the Slovakians are also to blame. Having visited their small local parks and seeing TP everywhere, this guy may be right: this is also a Slovakian tradition.

The stupidest thing I saw was this outhouse near the summit of a mountain. It did not contain the waste, but just let it all fall down the steep mountain gully. With a little rain all the toilet paper and shit just roll down the mountain into the pristine water below. Brilliant.

Pity, because it is a perfect place otherwise. They call it the biggest little mountains in Europe. They're only 7,500 feet high (about 2500 meters), but they look and feel much higher. I just wish the territory were a bit bigger. You can see almost everything with three days of vigorous backpacking.

Pit stop in Trencin, Slovakia

I took a day trip to a cute little town on the way to Brastislava that has a castle a hill.

It was a cute town on my way to....

Bratislava

Another well-preserved old town in Eastern Europe. I'm surprised I'm not sick of them yet.

Although Bratislava was wonderful, the highlight of Slovakia was the High Tatras. See them when you go to Krakow, Poland. It's about 2-3 hours away. But don't go to the Polish side of the Tatras. Most believe the Slovakian side is the best.

August 17, 2004

I slipped but managed to cling desperately to the snow covered rock. I arched my neck to look down below me and there was a 100 yard/meter drop. There is no way I could survive such a fall. I craned my neck up and the nearly vertical wall continued on several many more meters.

"How did I get myself into such a position?" I wondered.

Slovenia's Julian Alps

Slovenia is a dinky country between Italy, Austria, Hungary, and Croatia. Of course to us geographically ignorant Americans that means nothing, so all you gotta know is that it's in Europe somewhere.

As I left Austria I marveled at the mountainous countryside. It's hard to stop me from reading, but the views from the trains forced me to pay attention.

I went straight to the town of Bled. All the hostels were full, so I slept with some dead roommates in a cemetery.

I didn't think much of it, but perhaps this was a little foreshadowing....

Climbing the tallest mountain in Slovenia

It was pouring rain when I started walking up at 11AM. It was snowing on top. I got to a hut and asked the ranger about going to the summit of Mt. Triglav. The conversation reminded me of when I asked a ranger in the High Tatras of Slovenia if I could cut across the mountains and go off the trail.

He said, "Not without a guide. You'll never make it."

"But have you considered the fact that I'm wearing tennis shoes, have no map, no compass, and I'm sporting all cotton clothing?"

He strained a fake smile.

But I did it anyway and survived. OK, so I dropped many valuable items in the process, but I didn't drop.

But I was on the brink of dropping myself a long way down when I clung onto a cold piece of rebarb on Mt. Triglav in Slovenia.

My hands were so cold that they burned in pain. Since every step was a slow arduous process up the wall, my feet were also cold (which is rare).

Without a map, I just woke up at 5AM and took the most direct route up the mountain. It's an impressive peak even though it's only 2864m/9394ft high. I found some spectacular pictures of Mt. Triglav (and the magical town of Bled with its church on an island and its fairytale castle on a hill).

As I marched up the mountain I wondered why I didn't see any other tracks in the snow. Then I understood why. The path led to a near vertical wall, complete with rebar, cables, and plenty of snow.

The problem was that the metal handholds were not evenly spaced out. There are stretches where you have to use your bare hands to grip the sharp rock. As a result, my hands were not only cold, but they were getting cut and scrapped. I saw blotches of red snow behind and below me and I realized it came from the blood dripping from my hands.

This climb would be tough without snow, but after the recent snow fall, I found myself in a precarious situation. I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life. If you don't count my previous night in the cemetery, I've never been so close to death.

It's lonely at the top

I remembered what my Lonely Planet guidebook said about the Julian Alps. "Above 1500 meters you can encounter winter conditions anytime."

I was over 2,500 meters.

And then my favorite part: "Never EVER try to trek alone."

Feeling quite lonely midway up the wall, I suddenly heard a helicopter.

"Oh good, they're coming to save me."

I wanted to take a picture but I was too busy hugging the rock.

Instead the helicopter landed by the hut nearby, probably to drop off supplies and pick up the bodies of yesterday's failed hikers.

The final leg

I eventually made it up the wall and ran into a pair of hikers at the pass who had taken a different approach trail. Together we climbed the last 100 meters, which was hard, but not ridiculous. They couldn't believe I was in sneakers. We took the easier way down, which allowed us to see the wall I climbed. Nobody else had followed my tracks.

I told my fellow hiker, "I gotta take a picture of the wall I climbed."

"Yeah," he said, "your friends back home will never believe you."

Slovenians don't mince words

Even the easy way down was still pretty gnarly. I passed climbers on their way up. I eventually I found my favorite Slovenian. He had a rock climbing helmet, sturdy boots, gloves, and a twisted look on his face.

He shouted something to me in Slovene and I said, "Sorry I don't understand."

He pointed at the white powder at my feet, "SNOW!"

I nodded.

He vigorously pointed at my snow covered sneakers, "SHOES!!"

I nodded.

Then he put the two together to form his complex sentence: "You IDIOT!!!"

And then walked by me.

Yes, it was a memorable moment during my Eastern European adventure.

Skocjan caves

My Lonely Planet guidebook puts Slovenia's Skocjan Caves in the Top 10 Attractions in Eastern Europe. It's also listed on UNESCO's elite list. So I had go.

It wasn't easy getting there. For starters, I had to cross the country.

OK, so that's not a big deal when it's only 100 miles from end to end, but still.

It was an eerie feeling when I was the only guy to get off the bus. Although it's nice to not to be free of tourists, when I completely alone I start to wonder. I soon learned why I was the only idiot using the bus: I ended up walking an hour in the hot sun to get to these stupid caves.

"This better be good."

They did not disappoint. I was amazed, especially with the 130 meter/yard deep canyon. It's the biggest underground canyon in the world.

It was illegal to take pictures, but there is a fantastic virtual tour. Just click on the numbers below to walk through. Of course, it's not the same as being there, but it's cheaper.

Hitcing with the Spanish

I befriended three Spanish folks from Barcelona (a couple and a guy). They offered to take me back with them. It would be a 2 hour drive back to the capital, Ljubjana (which means "beloved").

We stopped at a dramatic castle that is embedded into a massive cave entrance.

Slovene language

For the first time in Eastern Europe, I found people that most people spoke English. The guidebook said that Slovenia was a nation of polyglots, and they're right. I had gotten used to having to ask 10 people to find one English speaker. Here I had to ask 10 people to find one person who did NOT speak any English.

Thank god because Slovene is a tricky language. It's grammatically complex with lots of cases, genders, and tenses and has something that is very rare in linguistics: singular, dual, and plural forms.

For example, it's one "miza" (table), two "mizi", and three or more "mize."

Jesus.

And I thought knowing that "foot" becomes "feet" was tough.

A bit about Slovenia

I'll leave you with a quick history of this cool little country:

• From the 9th to 15th centuries the upper classes were Germanized, while the peasantry retained their Slovenian identity.
• They started writing Slovene in the early 18th century. What took them so long?
• In the late 1980s the Serbian part of Yugoslavia asserted its authority over Kosovo and Slovenes feared the same would happen to them.
• In 1990 Slovenia became the first Yugoslav republic to hold free elections and kick out the commies.
• In 1991, the Slovenes fought a 10-day war with Yugoslavia and got their independence.

Today they're doing better the rest of the former Yugoslavia.

And today I am doing better now that I am on level ground.

I will stay away from the mountains. At least until I get to Transylvania....

September 3, 2004