September 1 -
Anal Austrians
Soon after arriving
into Austria, I started to believe that maybe Hitler was right about the
Germanic people being the superior race.
After all, things here just work.
- After the clunky Eastern European trains, I
stepped into a sleek Austrian train with its huge crystal clear
windows.
- The views of the countryside showed
perfectly cut lawns and impeccably arranged flower beds.
- The bathrooms smelled like roses.
I was especially impressed with robo-toilet. This
toilet had a seat that rotated and cleaned itself after using it. No
plastic or paper cover. Sit on the real thing and then watch it clean
itself when you're done. Neat.
AN EPIPHANY
I could sum it all up with an epiphany one early one
morning in Salzburg. At precisely 8AM I started hearing a cacophony of
church bells. There are about a dozen churches in a small area of
Salzburg and they all rang at exactly the same time.
In Eastern Europe, the bells ring within a few minutes
of each other.
In Latin America, well, the bells may not ring
until... mañana.
IN BRNO IT'S NOON AT 11
Speaking of church bells, back in the Czech Rep I was
surprised when a church in Brno (pronounced "Bruno") rang 12 times at
11AM. I know the Czechs aren't German, but still, that's a major gaffe
for a Czech.
But I found out that there's a reason for it.
A few centuries ago a Swedish commander swore that if
he could not breech Brno's town walls by noon, he would give up and go
home.
He was on the brink of breaking through at 11AM.
Somehow the Czechs heard about his vow, and some priest ordered to have
the church bells ring 12 times at 11AM. True to his word, the Swedish
commander ordered his army to retreat.
Ever since then the church in Brno rings 12 times at
11AM.
MORE STUPID TRICKS THAT FOOL SIEGE COMMANDERS
I noticed many statues of painted cows throughout
Prague. I didn't care to ask why. But then I saw them again in Salzburg.
Now I was curious.
Back in 1525 the
Fortress Hohensalzburg, which looms over Salzburg, was under siege
during a peasant uprising. After a few months of siege, the peasants
thought they had the Archbishop starving to death. They did. He had one
cow left. But he didn't want them to know that. So he came up with
brilliant idea:
"Let's paint our last cow blue and parade it around
the walls so they can see it."
"Sounds stupid, boss...."
"Shut up, you fool! The next day, we wash up the cow
and paint it green and show it off."
"What's the point, your worship?"
"You buffoon!! Don't you see!? If we keep that up and
keep showing them different colored cows, they'll think we have tons of
cows left! Duh!!!"
Believe it or not, just like the bells that ring 12
times at 11, this silly idea worked too. The peasants weren't willing to
it stick out through the winter, so they split.
Who are these idiots who lay siege?
By the way, nobody has ever managed to take the
fortress by force, although the Austrians gave it up to Napoleon without
a fight. That was back when the short French dude was still a bad ass.
ALMOST PERFECT
Let's get back to everybody's pal, Adolf Hitler. The
Fuerer was born in a small town near Linz, Austria. Since it's so close
to Salzburg, I'm sure Adolf checked out the beautiful town that inspired
Alexander von Humboldt to say:
"I consider the regions of Salzburg, Naples, and
Constantinople to be the most beautiful on earth."
That's a pretty big compliment. OK, so most history
books don't mention that the only other cities that Humboldt ever saw
were Detroit, Cleveland, and Poughkeepsie.
I almost agreed with Humboldt's statement, just like I
almost agreed with Adolf's belief that the Germanic people are homo
superior.
What made me change my mind?
I heard the Austrians open up their mouths.
Note to Aryans: If you want to be the perfect race,
you gotta have a language that doesn't make you want to throw up.
VERBOTEN
Everywhere I look, I see the word "...VERBOTEN..." I
was tired of seeing it and not knowing what it meant, so I asked an
Austrian to clarify.
It means "forbidden."
The Austrian sheepishly added, "Yeah, many things here
are forbidden."
Oh, so that's why everything works....
IT'S ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY
A Korean mother, who was traveling with her 15-year
old son, was living in NYC and was well dressed. But even she told me,
"I couldn't believe it, these Austrians actually clean the walls! Isn't
that unbelievable? The walls!? It's all nice and pretty, but after a few
days here I feel like I am suffocating. The pedestrians don't cross on a
red light even when there are no cars in sight. It's incredible."
"Kinda like the Japanese," I offered.
"Yeah. Those Japanese and Germans. Same blood."
CUBANS IN AUSTRIA
But their anal behavior is infectious. I talked to two
Cuban cleaning ladies in the Fortress. They were married to Austrians
and have been living here for seven years. They remarked that this was
their first day working at the Fortress, but that it would be their
last.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because look at this place! It's filthy! They
probably haven't cleaned it in months!"
"Funny you say that," I said, "because I was wondering
why you were cleaning the floor since it looks spotless and dust free.
Before you showed up I was considering licking the floor to verify its
cleanliness."
So here were these two former Latin American
communists, a combo that might lead to laid back behavior, and they were
as militant about cleanliness as Hitler's mom.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE AUSTRIANS AND THE GERMANS
Some Austrians assert that they don't speak German,
they speak Austrian. Give me a break.
I asked a German tourist from Bavaria (sometimes
Bavarians try to claim they are not German) if she could understand the
Austrians. Yes, it's 99.9% German. The pronunciation is a bit different
from northern Germany (they stretch out the words), but it's the same
damn language.
One insisted that the languages are different, "just
like a Texan speaks different than a San Franciscan." Right. But that
just makes my point: just because I say "soda" and he says "pop" doesn't
mean we're speaking different languages. OK, George Bush doesn't speak
much English, but that's another story.
So I asked this German what are the differences
between Austrians and Germans. I couldn't believe her response:
"Well, the Austrians are more laid back then Germans."
I almost burst out laughing.
Are you kidding me? Can you possibly be more anal than
the Austrians?
She said, "Yeah, the Germans will make a plan and
stick to it. The Austrians will make a plan, and then maybe they'll
adjust. They're more flexible."
So I guess when a pair of Austrians say they will meet
for lunch at 1PM on Sept 5, they might go crazy and meet at 1:01PM.
MINI-NAZIS
Thanks to friend-of-a-friend connection, I stayed with
a married couple, Andreas (an Austrian) and Cynthia (a Guatemalan). They
confirmed that Germans, especially those in the North, are much more
anal than the Austrians.
Although Germans may be the superior race, they make
the Austrians feel like they're a step down on this pedestal.
"We're like the stupid little brother to them," said
Andreas. "If we do any little thing wrong," he continued, "they will
say, 'See, how typical! You can't depend on those damn Austrians!'"
His wife added, "Yeah, if we're the perfectionists,
they're the father of the perfectionists."
More than one person in this journey has whispered in
my ear, "Beware of those Germans, they're little Nazis."
"Huh?" I said.
"They think they are the best people on the planet,"
said an Eastern European who lived in Hamburg for a year.
I couldn't believe that the Germans are the most
conceited people on the planet. I've been to Germany and I never picked
up on it.
But Cynthia told me that when she is working at the
hotel reception she can spot a German from a mile away.
"They come down the stairs with this super arrogant
look, as if they're thinking, 'I can't believe I gotta put up with this
sloppy four star hotel.' They think they are so damn great."
"Really? Are they worse than the French?" I asked.
"Oh no! Not THAT bad!!!!"
NEXTALE: SUICIDAL IN SLOVENIA
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness...Broad,
wholesome,
charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in
one little corner
of the earth all one's lifetime." - Mark Twain |
